I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
