I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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