Quick, to the slutcave!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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