i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
