dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize