$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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