we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
