So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
