My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
