I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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