In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
