Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize