I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
