shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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