I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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