what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
