Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
