I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
