You work out of a Hotel?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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