Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
