I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
