dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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