can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Drunk is not a location!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
