My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
