Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
