the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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