My room smells like vodka and shame
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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