the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
