I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I met the friendliest cop last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
