Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize
