I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
