I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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