Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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