need another drink. this is the easiest way
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
