So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
