i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
