It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
