There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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