i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
