her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.đź’¨
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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