I'm so fucking centered right now
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
