there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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