Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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