Just cropdusted the office
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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