when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
