I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
