I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
