I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
