Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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