herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
