I just threw up on my dentist
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
