The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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