Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
