There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
