My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There r osticjed everywhere
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
