as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
worst night to have a conscience
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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