bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
