He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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