After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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