I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
