theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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