I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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