Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
