Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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