Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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