Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
