We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
