dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
